I am just now realizing that I have been depressed for a very long time; 10 years to be exact. It all started when I was 12 years old. At that time, there was a huge shift in my life and there were just so many problems. It really forced me to grow up right then and there. All this time I thought that my depression was just circumstantial and that once my problems were resolved, I would be happy again. But even once those problems were all gone and I was on the brighter side of things, I was still very much depressed. So I went on to make these huge life changes hoping that somewhere along the line I’d find happiness.
I went to cosmetology school figuring that I just needed to do something with my life, then I’d be happy. I nearly finished the program but ended it 2 months early. I hated everyday that I was there and just couldn’t picture myself working in something that I hated so much. That was also the time I met my future husband.
So I left cosmetology school, married my husband, and relocated cross country to California. I thought maybe marrying my husband would do the trick but no I still feel depressed. (And don’t get me wrong, my husband is the best there could be! He never puts me down, he loves and respects me, always takes into consideration how I’m feeling…everything!) I thought moving to California would make me happy, nope. Then I thought having a baby would get me out of feeling this way. I thought it’d give me more purpose in life… and it did. But once my girl was no longer so dependent on me, those same negative feelings just crept right back in. So that’s when I realized something huge.
First, I realized that I tend to make a lot of major life choices in a rash and hasty way. And I do so because those things are able to keep me busy and not thinking depressive thoughts. But as soon as the “high” and all the excitement from that decision wears off, I’m back to feeling depressed. And that’s part of the reason why I didn’t even realize that these thoughts were a constant thing; because I’m usually able to fight them off for a bit. But again, it’s only because I’ve just made a major life change that keeps me distracted. I noticed this pattern in myself and frankly, I think it’s really dangerous. I could be making a huge decision that I might soon regret, but in the moment I’m not thinking all that much about the future. I’m just trying to fight off the depression. I actually start to get nervous when my life starts to settle down again because I know those thoughts are just around the corner. This of course is also something I’m trying to work on.
The second thing I’ve noticed is that this is all a personal problem. No one can fix this for me but myself. Looking from the outside in, you would think my life is perfect (and it is!) We are well off financially, we have peace in the home and we never yell at each other,we have such a sweet daughter who listens so well and isn’t a wild child at all. We have everything we’re “supposed” to need to be happy and yet I’m not.
Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not as intense as I know some people have it. I don’t struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I don’t have suicidal thoughts or anything major like that. For me, it all tends to do with feeling like I don’t have any purpose in life. I often feel that if I was gone, that it wouldn’t really matter and that no one would even notice. Then I go into self loathing and beating myself up for those negative thoughts. I think ‘how could I be complaining when my life is perfect?’ Then I end up thinking that I’m a burden on my family, especially when I’m sad and moping. I think that I’m no fun to be around and that everyone would be better off if I were gone. I feel unlovable to the point that when someone says they love me, I just don’t believe them. I just can’t understand why someone would love me.
I honestly don’t know why I have these thoughts or why I feel so negative about myself. The only thing I can think of is how growing up, certain family members would blame any and all of the family’s problems on myself even though most of the time I wan’t even involved. And this was a constant thing. I also feel that with my father being out of the picture, it often makes me feel unlovable or like there’s something wrong with me. It’s crazy because even though I know that his choice to not be in my life was all his own, I still feel subconsciously that I’m partially at fault..
I just don’t know how to shake these negative feelings. I know they’re not true but it still doesn’t stop me from feeling the way I do. I definitely don’t want medication because I feel like it’s just putting a band-aid over everything and that it doesn’t get to the root of the issue. I think that if I continue to feel this way, I might just go and see a psychologist. I think having a third party looking in from the outside might be able to help me get a little perspective, and possibly help me find solutions. I would just hate to think that I’ll have to deal with these feelings for the rest of my life because. They at times can really interrupt our lives and I just don’t want to live like that.
This is definitely an article that will need to be continued. This is a work in progress since, today, I don’t have any answers for you. I just thought I’d share with you all this part of me that a lot of people (even friends and family) don’t know about. Let me know in the comments what you thought of it. Do you deal with recurrent negative thoughts about yourself? I hope you don’t go through that but if you do, let’s talk about it. Maybe we can help each other out. I’m sure my next article will be a lot more cheerful and upbeat than this one. But I’m sorry if this one kind of bummed you out. But until next time, bye.